all the monotony has
played on me like monopoly:
these anxieties inside me
can get past go and have taken hold –
I can’t think
can’t breathe
feel like I might sink
as if my minds quicksand
because I don’t know how much
more failure I can withstand
or feeling like my soul demands
so much more than living for a high;
but it gives me space and time to find
what kind of man I can be underneath
the shitty mistakes and fake relationships –
–
I know they’re my worst addictions and fuel
so much indecision – have opened up a deep division
in my sanity to reveal the reality that lately it’s been
taking so much alcohol for it all to not seem to be
too much – helps keep me in touch with how much
I still have to give and to live despite the stress making
it so hard to rest, and I’ll admit I let it get the best of me
way too frequently, and usually resort to weed for a
momentary ease that’s like a good squeeze from
a lover I’ve yet to discover
–
I cover that shit up so much I need a daily crutch to
at least limp away from the ledge of this edge of myself
that’s like a purgatory for hell; need a mic and stage to
tell someone else how I’ve felt and what’s it like to have
dealt with with the last four women I gave
the best of my energy and positivity took my
emotional stability and justified it by saying they loved me –
the. suddenly lost my ability to distinguish coping from hoping
–
I just keep soaking the page with everything I need a stage
to say as a way to keep from bleeding out
before speaking out without having to shout for help:
because it’s at this alter of confession you’ll find me – knelt –
with heart on my sleeve and a few syllables that represent
the best of me, so I can hear mother Mary, oh mother Mary, say:
please let it be and take this pen –
and with it tell the world what i just said

 

TM Colin Corpe 2018